50 Shades of Insurance…Begins with Black and Blue
After 123 years, the Insurance Advocate publishes its first PG-13 Rated article, sans photos, and hopefully our last! – Editor
He gently took her hand, his fingers slowly interlocking with hers, and gradually they emerged from the tunnel that leads to the uninhabited beach. Sunset fell an hour or so earlier, leaving them romantically guided only by sounds of the moonlit ocean, crashing upon the sand. A cool, steady breeze, blowing in from the black hue of the night sea, tossed her long brown hair across her face, slightly spoiling her view of where she was being led by her “Knight of the Night.”
The soft white sand, still warm from the day’s sun, glided softly between their naked toes, as though it was inviting them to lie gently upon it. The wind whistled a distinct yet calming purr, as it intersected the entwining leaves of palm that draped down from the tropical trees scattered across the seashore, reminding the pair of their steamy paradise that they have encountered.
Upon their arrival at the water’s edge, he turns towards her, and with the ocean breeze gusting crossways against their now bare skin, he pulls her close and gently begins to kiss her neck, her cheek, her halfclosed eyes, her forehead…then reverses and slowly retraces his trek across her soft skin, eventually descending upon her lips. They kiss passionately…long and hard, and slowly fall into each other’s’ arms and upon the sand that was calling their name from whence they first stepped upon its warmth.
Lying on the beachs’ soft silky cover, the cool salty water laps at their hot steamy bodies, as they fervently thrash around madly, reminiscent of a Great White seizing its prey. Off in the distance they hear the moaning, mating call of a Humpback Whale…or is it their own moans, emulating that of the sea’s most powerful creatures.
Suddenly, as if bitten by a great white or swallowed by a Humpback Whale, he lets out a visceral scream awaking every creature within a mile! The lights from the few seaside homes off in the far distance all begin to flicker on, and his princess breaks her silence with words of comfort, “Be patient my love…” she whispers. “It’s not that!” he replies…I think I may need stitches!” “Nice going,” she says. “Here is a towel, now let’s go get a pizza, great lover.” He asks: “Do they serve pizza in the ER, cause that’s where I am going.”
Claims from injuries occurring from accidents during sexual encounters are on the rise, along with the amount of payments from such injuries in both health care and bodily injury claims, auto, and HO claims. That’s right: lawsuits resulting from, let’s say, excess romance.
To begin with, let’s look at the top ten injuries (and health insurance claims) that typically occur from intimate encounters, as reported to insurance carriers by doctors and emergency rooms treating patients:
• Pulled Muscles
• Injured back
• Carpet burns
• Cricked neck
• Bashed elbows and knees
• Bruised shoulder
• Twisted knee
• Sprained/strained wrist, Sprained/strained ankle
• Bending fingers back
Don’t laugh.
In addition to the top 10 injuries from intimacy, these are the top 10 most dangerous places to engage in romantic moments:
• A sofa: springs may come loose and protrude into the body;
• On the stairs: the force of leaning against the banister causes many to break, and couples have fallen over the railing;
• A moving car: need I really explain this one?
• In the shower: besides crashing through glass shower doors or tumbling over the top of the tub, people have been known to get their legs caught on a faucet, rip it clear out of the wall, and cause a flood and a deep cut…not to mention that they then tumbled through the glass shower door;
• In the bedroom: mostly from rolling off the bed and onto the floor or onto an object on the floor;
• On a chair: remember that chair that you won’t let your largest relative sit on out of fear that they may break it?
• In the kitchen: folks have fallen off broken tables, accidently turned on a cooking surface, and fallen off working washing machines/dryers;
• In the garden: rose bushes, bugs, sprinklers and poolside slippage;
• In a work closet: maintenance workers on the midnight shift have had to free many a trapped couple from a locked closet
Now how about the top ten most broken household items, as reported by homeowner’s policy claims:
• Bed frames
• Wine glasses
• Picture frames
• Chairs
• Tea cups
• Smashed walls
• Chests of drawers
• Doors
• Windows
• Vases
What’s even more unbelievable is that in some instances people have even put in claims to more than one of their policies at the same time, from the same act. In addition, there have been claims from homeowners who ripped a showerhead out of the wall, causing extensive water damage to the home, along with a medical payment, and a bodily injury claim from the visiting party who crashed through the shower door and broke her leg.
“Cat claims” and I don’t mean those catastrophe claims derived from Super Storm Sandy, are very common. Cats are extremely inquisitive, and seem to enjoy joining their owners who are romantically involved, causing deep cuts and scratches on their owner’s backs, butts or even worse places as a result of a mid-act cat attacks. Some professionals in animal behavior believe the cat is trying to protect their owners.
Ever been told not to do it because it will make you go blind? Well, health care claims have also been reported from people who lost their eyesight during sex… not only from being poked by body parts, but from their eyes “popping”. Doctors explain that during intense orgasms, a tremendous increase in blood flow may occur, which could lead to ruptured blood vessels in the eyes, causing blindness. Doctors have reported cases of men and women complaining of reddened eyes and damaged eyesight that occurred immediately after sex.
How about reporting this workers’ comp claim to your employer: a women on a business trip was having sex in a hotel room when their vibrations caused the light fixture on ceiling to come crashing down, in turn causing physical injury.
Instead of suing the hotel, she claimed it as a work-related incident that caused her both physical and psychological damage, affecting her so terribly that she is now unable to travel any longer for her job. Although her employer fought the case, she was awarded a monetary judgment.
Other health care claims such as “paralyzed limbs” caused from “hickeys”, heartstopping intercourse, and broken bones as a result of un-natural bending. Even disability claims have arisen from wild and crazy sexual encounters. European soccer star Kevin-Prince Boateng missed quite a few games when he pulled a muscle in his thigh from having too much sex, with his supermodel girlfriend, who he claimed demanded sex from him seven to 10 times a week. Some injuries I just can’t feel sorry for.
Or how about an unlawful death claim from a young couple who was visiting Grandma, and grabbed from her medicine cabinet what they thought was a tube of lubricant, that turned out to be nitroglycerine, which caused a fatal drop in the young lady’s blood pressure.
There’s also the $5 million lawsuit brought by 26 year old actress Amanda Jencsik, who claimed that 61 year old “Moonstruck” screenwriter John Patrick Shanley strangled her with a belt during sadistic sex sessions at his apartment…and we have all heard of the “Preppie Murder” case on New York’s upper east side, involving Robert Chambers in his defense claim of rough sex as the cause of death of Jennifer Levin.
In my research for this piece, I found that the list of insurance claims that have been filed from couples having outlandish romantic encounters is endless, some extremely sad, some that are just weird, and some so incredibly comical that I can’t even begin to repeat them in this column for fear that our dear editor, Steve Acunto, would red-line the entire piece even further (if you want, call me and I’ll be glad to share them with you!). They range from medical claims from folks involving food, cooking utensils, sporting equipment, Mr. Potato Head, Slinkys, and even farm animals. It is more of this passing parade of claims that, incredibly, have worked. Share yours with me.
*****
Once again I have the opportunity to thank you, my loyal readers of this column, for yet another year of bringing you a different side of “This thing of ours” as you have so many times heard me affectionately refer to the insurance industry as (if you understand the Italian language you will understand why I call to it as such). It was exactly five years ago today that I brought you the first installment of “Face To Face’, with a piece titled “Spring-ing Into Life”. It has certainly been my pleasure and honor to speak with you every couple of weeks through this column, and I hope that you have enjoyed reading it as much as I have enjoyed sharing it with you. So to you my friends I say, “Thank you for bringing me into your life through my words, and please continue to share with me any comments that you may have, or thoughts for a future article.”
Once again, “Ciao for now!”
